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Question 116

Q: I’ve been dating a wonderful Christian woman.

I’m in love with her, but she still seems to be in love with her previous husband whom she divorced about two years ago because of his affairs. She says she still loves him even though he’s moved on and remarried.

She appears to be “spooked” by him. She also wants to get beyond her past relationship and she says she loves me, but at the same time, having been burned in that first marriage, she says she wants a husband who is perfect.

Well, I don’t meet that standard, but I’d like to be for her all that she needs.

Asked by: Christopher

A: Well Christopher, let me speak to you very clearly and plainly and say that you’re not ready to marry this woman, nor is she ready to marry you.

As long as her ex-husband is in her mind, she isn’t ready to move on. Also, because she was burned by his affairs, she’s going to be suspicious of you. And when she says she wants a husband that’s perfect, that’s probably pretty true. What she wants is someone she can wholly trust, yes, but he’s going to have to prove himself. He’s going to have to jump over a very, very high bar.

I don’t think that this relationship will work out without more time and counseling. I really do suggest that you talk to your pastor about her divorce and her relationship to her first husband. You know, in the best of circumstances it takes patience and a hefty dose of dying to oneself to have a happy marriage. But you’re beginning here with some nearly impossible barriers. Give it lots of time, get counseling. Move very slowly.

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